Relation(ship)

I want to start off this story by saying its not my own words. In the sense that this has not happened to me but it is a very real fear that I have of being unlovable. I hope you enjoy.

          My whole life I always wondered if I would ever find someone to love. Someone who would want to deal with my crazy. And I use the term “crazy” loosely. I suffer from various anxiety disorders and “crazy” is the easiest way to put it.

          I never believed in someone other than family loving me, and honestly I doubted that too. But I met a wise person who told me that whatever man I found would love me regardless of my issues. He would acknowledge them, but have the maturity to look past them and love me unconditionally. Before that wise person said those words to me, I hated the idea of a relationship. But I decided I’d give it a try.

          Ive never been the one to go searching for a man. My confidences told me that was ridiculous. But there is nothing wrong with wanting someone. And I struggled with understanding the difference between the two. I was in my twenties when I found someone who, for a time, looked past my “craziness”. I truly believed he did love me. But Im what you call unlovable. But yet everyone feels bad for me. However, no one wants to put forth the effort to be genuinely sympathetic and love me.

          He got tired of me. Tired of my mood swings. Tired of my desire to be alone at a certain time during the day. Tired of my social fear. Tired of my paranoia. Tired of my intense passion for him that sometimes burned into jealousy. Tired of my personality that was always rude. He just realized that there are more cons to me than pros. But he didn’t break up with me. He loved me.

          Relationships are called “ships” right? Well he and I were on this boat as it were and he was no longer steering. We were about to drift off the edge of the Earth together. And not in a romantic way. I had let myself feel something for once and it didn’t work in my favor. So I closed the hole to my emotions that was in my heart and I pushed him over board. I blocked his number. Deleted my social media. I even moved to another city. All without telling him. I knew it would hurt me less if I just cut him off.

          Choosing to sail away from the edge of the Earth all alone, I went back to doing what I do best: being lonely, crying all day, never leaving my house, and rarely eating. And that is my comfort zone. Its what Im used to. I often wonder if I would be stupid enough to let someone have to deal with me again just because Im tired of my numb heart. But maybe not. I cant see myself doing that again. And why not? Because I loved him too.

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